It's A Pirate With A Bloody Leg, I Mean Wooden Leg

This weekend I picked up a Gingerbread Cookie Kit. I figured Speedy would like to make it since he loves helping in the kitchen.

I got this kit at Walgreens and it was really cool since it had everything in it already. All the candy eyes and icing and gum drops and also the cookie mix. All I had to add was honey and some butter.

Speedy just HAD to wear an apron even though it was gigantic on him and technically he never touched the cookie dough. I was the mixer and he just carried the bowl to the ice box for me.

Like I said, he never touched the dough. This is a fake "posed" pic for the grandparents. LOL

Although he DID decorate a cookie all by himself. He made me do the rest and pretty much bossed me around with the decorating.

Here's his wonderful creation.

And here are the rest that I did. Personally I like the bikini girl and pirate. Oh and Santa (that I totally copied off the box.)(And I made a T with the leftover dough and squirted all the icing that was left, onto it. That's MY cookie. LOL)

What's that you say? You don't see a pirate? Well here he is.

I guess the eyeball counter person miscounted cuz I only had one eye left so I turned him into a pirate. And that's not blood on his leg, that's his wooden leg. I was being creative people.

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I'm not much into gingerbread but I ate my T and it was pretty tasty. The icing is really good and not that shitty gel stuff.

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So if you wanna have some fun with the kiddos, I'd say to get yourself this kit. I mean there was no way I was making a Gingerbread House, so this was the next best thing.

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*I was not paid or given this product, so Crayola should be thanking me for giving them 2 thumbs up. Ya hear that Crayola? Send me some free shit.*

THIS TIME It Was A Winter Wonderland

What do you do when it snows in the middle of the night in Louisiana? You get the whole family up and out in it.

It snowed a little bit on Friday night. The weather man said we had a chance and once Speedy heard that, he was waiting and watching the sky looking for white. And thank goodness it did or I would have never heard the end of it.

It snowed last year at about this time and we were all so surprised to have it again this year. I can now say I've seen snow 5 times in my whole life. And Speedy has seen it 3 times in his short 6 years.

We were all running around at midnight like little kids. Here are the pics.

This was the second round of flurries. The first time it started, we ran out to see and then I made Speedy go in to change into warm clothes. Of course once I got him in all his layers, it had stopped. He threw a MAJOR fit and was pissed off at me. He was yelling that I should be able to control the snow. LOL Thank god it started again.

Here is me and Speedy. See me in my jammies. I told you it was the middle of the night. And don't laugh at my hat and scarf. It's all I had that was warm enough to go out in. I don't have very much winter gear. I did put my rubber boots on. I've got wet gear just not winter stuff.

We were all excited but I think Tinkerbell was more excited than any of us. She ran and ran and tried biting the snow as it fell. Then she tried to eat all of it off the ground. Look at her running crazy.

PURE EXCITEMENT.
Here is the goofy hat and scarf committee.

Even hubby came out to see the snow. Although I think he's the only dumbass drinking cold beer in the cold ass snow.

And of course he had a hand in this picture.

And here is us trying to get a pic of hyped up Tink. Uh that didn't work so well. There was too much snow out there for that heifer to eat.

It finally stopped a little after midnight and we all came in. I think Tink says it best on how we all felt.

When will we see snow again? Next year? 5 years? You never know when you live down in the swamp.

Girlfriends, You Can Find One ANYWHERE

Speedy came home from school yesterday and said that he had a new girlfriend. Whaa? He was "dating" Isabella and I asked him about her and he said they broke up. OK kid, you're 6, you don't even know what the hell that means.

Anyway, I asked who his new gf was and he said Elaina. And immediately my brain went crazy in my weird ass head because I am obsessed with vampire shit. And do you know who Elaina is? Oh she's just the main girl in the Vampire Diaries. Wha wha?

So my kid has "dated" 2 girls now and both have had names from vampire books. Am I crazy? Yea probably but I thought it was kinda cool. The universe is fucking with me in a way that only I would get. Oh well, we'll see how long this relationship lasts. I mean he's not kissing hands like he did with Isabella but he IS holding hands with Elaina. He's a smooth operator y'all.

And remember how I got that necklace last week but it wasn't the one I wanted? Well I found the one I want for 450 fucking dollars LESS at JCPenney. Now hubby thinks JCP's stuff isn't real. Sure most of it isn't but the one I want IS real. He thinks you have to go to a jewelry store to get real shit.

Anyway, I made him take back the necklace I got from the jewelry store. A bitch move? Maybe but that shit was WAY overpriced. I know cuz I looked that shit up. He said the saleswoman was pissed I was returning it but oh well lady. It's not what I wanted.

So we went last night to JCP and looked to see if they had my necklace. They didn't but the lady ordered it for me. (BTW she was a dumbass and obviously not computer smart. I wanted to jump the counter and type in the shit on the website myself. I mean I told her exactly how to find the one I want and she wouldn't listen to me. I told her 3 times it was on page 2 but she still had to scroll down and then click page 2. Oh look, it's right fucking there where I said it would be.)

I should be getting it in about a week. And even if it looks like shit, I'm still wearing it cuz this has been an ordeal. It could look like a piece of diamond covered horse shit and I'm still gonna smile and wear it. If I don't, hubby might have an aneurysm.

After ordering it, we walked around the store and got Speedy some new jammies and a John Deere shirt he had a fit over. (It has a cute matching beanie with it and he looks super cute.)

So we get in line to checkout and hubby starts chit chatting with the cashier like normal. I mean he can't NOT talk to people even though the McDonald's worker doesn't give a shit about chit chatting.

So I look at the cashier and holy shit! It looks like she got in a fight with a set of stairs. Her face has cuts and scabs on it. And she was just a talking to hubby. (Note: Hubby never wears his wedding ring cuz he can't get it over his knuckles with his arthritis. I don't care cuz he has my name tattoed, his idea, on his wrist. So it's very noticeable. And I forgot my ring yesterday when I was rushing out the door.)

Well she prints the receipt and scribbles something on it and hands it to hubby. I smile and say goodbye and hubby hands the receipt to me. And she just stares at me like who are you.

We get to the car and I look at the receipt to see if I got my 50% off and see this.

I started laughing and told hubby that he had a girlfriend and she wrote hearts on his receipt. Speedy started yelling "Daddy has a girlfriend" and I was dying laughing.

That's what happens when you can't keep your mouth shut. Maybe next time, she won't look like a brick wall beat her up.

P.S. I'm a bitch, I know.

Being A Fairy Is Tiresome

Yesterday Speedy went to the dentist and she pulled his gross, wiggling bottom teeth. I was so happy to hear it since I didn't wanna see wiggly teeth anymore.

She told him that since she pulled them that he would get triple the amount of money from the Tooth Fairy. Thanks alot dentist! I asked Speedy how much money he thought that would be and he said a million dollars. Think again kid.

Here are the required pictures of a child missing teeth.

Does anybody else's kid have a dirty mouth constantly? Or is it just mine?

And this is the infamous tongue through the missing teeth shot. I remember when I got mine pulled and I thought I was a vampire. Hmm a little foreshadowing for my future obsession?

The funny thing is that now he can't say "s" without kinda lisping it. And I laugh because he sounds cute but he swears and declares that he doesn't talk any different.

So I finally got him to bed and after an hour of tossing and turning, he finally fell asleep. I snuck in to do my fairy thing and I swear I was waiting for him to pop up and see me. I then also got the giggles and hubby wanted to punch me in the face cuz he thought I was gonna wake him up. I got my job done and headed off to bed.

I was then woke up this morning at 2 freaking o'clock. Speedy said his teeth were missing but there was no money. Hubby got up and picked up his pillow and voila there sat his magical $20. He was so excited. I yawned and rolled over cuz that's the awesome mom that I am.

He got up this morning and was telling me all about his money he got. I guess when you're 6, 20 bucks is pretty close to a million.

Smile on ssssssson.

P.S. The dentist said he's gonna have to see an orthodontist cuz his teeth are so tight, the adult teeth don't have room to come in. And also that he'll definitely need braces as he gets older. SUPER!!! NOT

Kindness and Creepyness

I was off work today so me and hubby went to lunch together. Our anniversary (9 years) is on Wednesday so we had our yearly dinner together.

After we ate, hubby said he was taking me somewhere to do some Christmas shopping. He NEVER shops so I knew something was up. He took me to the jewelry store and told me to pick out something for my anniversary/Christmas present. Of course the one necklace I liked cost over 700 fucking dollars and there's no way I'm spending that much money on a necklace. (But y'all it was so pretty. A star with diamonds all over it. A half carat to be exact. *sigh*)

So I looked and got prices and looked some more and was stuck between a pretty Fleur de lis with diamonds and a journey necklace with diamonds. I picked the journey one.

I like it and think it's really pretty but after thinking about it, I should have gotten the Fleur de lis. I won't ever tell hubby that cuz he said "Now Tiffany make SURE that's the one you want" and I said it was. Oh well. I do like it though so no complaints.

He tried to make me go back and get the star one but I wouldn't. He's been so nice lately that it's kinda shocking me. He even went and fought the crazies at Walmart on Black Friday to get me a GPS that I wanted. And I didn't even have to go!!! I was snuggled up in bed while he was out in the freezing (OK so the upper 30's for you northerners) cold fending off the stupids.

And he even went and got me this red mixer I wanted while he was there. Maybe he's finally realizing how much I've taken care of him in the past year. That or his meds are REALLY working for him. Either way, win win.

In other news, both of Speedy's bottom teeth are super loose. He is freaked out about it cuz he's scared of blood. I tried to yank em out once but I didn't wanna hurt him. They're working their way out everyday. He goes to the dentist Wednesday so I'm guessing they'll pull them.

I didn't really worry about teeth before but I get the fucking creepy crawlies when I see them move. It totally grosses me out. I'll be glad when they're gone. Once they are, I'm totally gonna make him sing "All I Want For Christmas is My 2 Front Teeth".

Fatasses Old and New

What happens when a fatass stands on a chair to fix a fuse on a strand of Christmas lights? See below.

I was standing on that chair trying to fix my lights, while hubby was inside watching football, and as I went to step down, the seat blew out from under me. I fell through the hole and cut up my leg.

I DID get the lights fixed though. I should be more careful cuz if I get injured, we'll all die around here. And starve.

I'll have to take pictures of the lights when it gets dark. I had a hell of a time with my LED lights and an oak tree. Why the hell would the lights company make some of the prongs different sizes than others? I had to run extension cords across the whole damn yard to get my tree lit. And it better look good or I'm gonna be pissed.

I also put up our tree but don't have any good pics yet. Speedy took this one of Emmie underneath it.

Nothing like a fat weiner under the tree. Right?

He's A Natural

The other day as I was looking through pictures on my camera, I noticed a few odd pictures on there that I knew I didn't take. I asked hubby if he did and he said no so that only leaves one culprit. Speedy admitted that he's been taking pictures with my camera. I should have known when I saw that awesome shot of my shoe.

So to keep him away from my good camera, I found my old digital one and gave it to him to use. After he took 10 of the dog, I went and bought him a memory card to go in it. And that boy hasn't stopped snapping pictures since.

He has the greatest talent of getting god awful shots of people and I laugh whenever I look through the pics. I figured I would share some of his brilliance with y'all. So without further adieu, here are some photos by the professional Speedy. (All the pics have red eyes cuz his camera sucks like that and when I try to fix it, it makes the eyes look weird like aliens. So the red will stay.)

First up, we have a charming pic of me eating Funyuns. I'm all about health yo. And such a lady too.

Next up is hubby. I don't know what the hell he was doing but it makes me laugh.

Next up is me again. I seem to be a favorite target of his. I look so sophisticated in this pic. And I also can't seem to make a straight face when he's snapping my pic. I can't help but make him laugh.

Oh wait this one is even better. Who wouldn't wanna hang around this awesomely cool chic?

Next up is my nephew. I have no idea what Speedy told him to do. Maybe yell?

And finally we have the dogs. There must be 30 pictures on his camera of the dogs alone. He will take their picture over and over again. Here is Tink when she was cone bound.

And then poor little Emmie. Good thing she's old and can't see real well cuz she'd be blind for sure by now with all that flashing in her face.

So there you have it. My kid the professional photographer. Hmm the dogs pics aren't so bad. Maybe he could be a dog photographer. Yea that's it. Now stop taking bad pics of Momma son.